When I arrived at my new summer home, I was met by Shannon, whom I had to spoken to on the phone (during my first ever, incredibly awkward, group phone interview) and via e-mail. We had one of those
weird, almost hug-almost handshake-almost hug-okay we’ll hug, hugs. She told me, “In Berkeley it is all hugs;” I have come to learn just how true that statement is. As I walked around Berkeley, trying to get a feel for my new home, I was stopped every block or so–first by the flowers, then by the people. The houses here are hidden beneath layers and layers of color–yellow daisies, white daisies, flowers that carry shades of purple that I once believed only belonged to the sunset, blue ones, flowers that look like they came from a Dr. Seuss book, and roses, roses, roses everywhere. I complemented one neighbor’s roses as he was watering them, and he cut me two, a white one and a pink one. I’ve seen him riding down Shattock Ave. on his bike with his floppy Beatles hair.
As time moved on, and as I began learning more about nonviolence at the Metta Center, I could literally feel my heart getting bigger and bigger. Nonviolence teaches us about a love that belongs to the whole,
wide world. My get-to-know Berkeley walks were no longer only interrupted by the colorful flowers. I began to met so many colorful folks in the Berkeley community, especially folks that sleep on the streets or in the parks. I was overwhelmed in my mind and heart by how many of my new acquaintances were young folks, young folks that didn’t have beds to sleep in at night. I begin to offer them handshakes, hugs, leftovers, “Good-Morning”s, and “Have a good day”s”, silver coins, all coins, chocolate cake, whatever I could to bring smiles to their faces. I noticed their hands–colored with a thick brown from dirt, their cardboard signs—colored with words that said things like “Smile” and “Harmony,” their smiles—colored with easy an acceptance of “no” and acceptance of others’ ignore-ance, and I noticed their glow colored with gratitude, even when I had nothing to offer. We had a man named Jared Finkelstein come to the Metta Center to facilitate a workshop on Nonviolent Communication (NVC); during his workshop he said, “I don’t hear ‘no’ anymore, I only hear people saying ‘yes’ to another one of their needs.” I wonder if that is how my new friends, like Snowflake, who live without a bed, have come to be okay with hearing “no” so much.
Jared also shared with us a list of assumptions that Nonviolent Communication (as a theory/practice) is dependent on. I think this list is a pretty good list for my heart to be dependent on too.

1) Human needs are universal Connection (acceptance, affection, appreciation, clarity,
communication, community, compassion, intimacy, love, understanding) Interconnectedness (belonging, consideration, mutuality, support, trust, power) Competence (effectiveness, growth)
Meaning (contribution, creativity, hope, inspiration, learning) Autonomy (choice, respect, spontaneity, space) Peace (beauty, communion, ease, harmony, order) Honesty (authenticity, integrity, presence)
Celebration (joy, mourning, play) Physical Needs (nourishment, rest, sustenance, shelter/cover, touch)
2) Feelings point to needs being met or unmet
3) All actions are attempts to meet needs (maybe this is a key to forgiveness?)
4) All human beings have capacity for compassion
5) Giving is joyful when it comes from choice and connection
6) Connection arises from mutual understanding of needs behind behavior
7) There is enough for all to meet basic needs
8) Moving away from “right/wrong” judgments support us in making peace

When he handed us this list, I couldn’t help but think of our brothers and sisters that live in oppression and whom are denied the means to achieve these needs. In particular, I couldn’t help but think of our brothers and sisters that live in Palestine. Their basic human need for community has been denied by the building of the security wall. Their basic human need of understanding has been denied by the
United States’ multiple vetoes of resolutions of Palestinian understanding in the United Nations. Their basic need of support has been denied by our fear of being called “anti-Semitic.” Their basic human needs of power, growth, hope, choice, autonomy, space, beauty, ease, joy, nourishment, rest, sustenance, shelter. are all in serious jeopardy. Israel famously banned things such as cinnamon, jam, musical instruments, toys, and cement from entering into Gaza. Their homes are being bulldozed. Their gardens destroyed. The olive trees which have been a source of multi-generational livelihood are being uprooted or swallowed by the “security wall.” A study has shown that Palestinian children no longer have a will to live. Children no longer have a will to live. There it is, my number 4, “All human beings have a capacity for compassion.”
So, on Fathers’ Day my roommate, Nikki, and I woke at 4 in the morning. We were picked up by Kevin, a friend from the Alternatives to Violence workshop we participated in, and went to the Port of Oakland
to engage in a labor-community picket of an Israeli Zim Line ship. As we drove up to the port, the road was lined with a parade of folks–white folks, black folks, Asian folks, Arab folks, folks in wheel-chairs, old folks, young folks, folks on bicycles, folks wearing keffiyehs, folks carrying Palestinian and Turkish flags, folks in union jackets, folks singing “Which Side Are You On” and chanting “From the rivers to the sea, Palestine will be free.” It was beautiful. It was moving. We arrived at the first gate, where we were
handed signs, given hugs and swept into the march and chants, “Free, free Palestine. Do not cross the picket line!” We were then asked to move to the second gate because the first gate had enough people. When we arrived at the second gate, we joined the chanting, “An injury to one is an injury to all, the apartheid wall has got to fall!” We were not there long when we were then asked to move the third gate. Three gates were swarming with people singing, marching, dancing; it was an organized, strategic, constructive, obstructive, nonviolent movement.
We were moved by a mutual understanding that everyone has human needs, everyone deserves to receive these needs, and we were not going to support the blockade of these needs. The International Longshore Workers Union of the Oakland Port, joined with us in this refusal to support obstruction of justice in the truest since of the words, and with incredible integrity stood in solidarity, fleshing out their story that reads, “This is a story of a union. It concerns workers of all races and beliefs who came together with one single purpose: to achieve a better life for themselves and their families.” That day we were able to achieve our goal of a 24 hour blockade of the Israeli ship. I have no doubt that our victory was of hope, and the light we created has made it’s way past every inch of the 50 foot tall, Israeli Separation Wall and is shining in every Palestinian city.
As I continue to learn about nonviolence, and the love that belongs to the whole world, I find that my truth is blurring with everyone’s truth. As Frederick Buechner says, “Your life and my life flow into
each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality–not as we expect it to be but as it is–is to see
that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.” Marching at the Port of Oakland, I felt like I was standing in my truth, in our truth, and demanding peace and joy for the Palestinians, peace and joy for me, peace and joy for you, peace and joy for all.
I think this where I am suppose to be. And that sure is a great feeling, a feeling of faith. I hope this reflection has found you all doing well and enjoying the summer.

With the warmest wishes of peace for you and the whole world,
Suzie

~ by Sachi Maniar, 2009 mentee, on March 3, 2010.

Please use the bar to the right to navigate the Metta Mentors section of our website. There you can learn about this year’s program, get your questions answered, and apply to be a part of our 2010 cohort. If you know anything about this program, you will know that last year’s program was an unqualified success. We hosted an amazing group of mentees, and our lives were changed, even as we hoped to be helping to change the lives of those who came to us. Many, many seeds were planted that we hope will blossom wildly this year as an even more transformative program!

Please help us to get the word out about this very special program. In order to reach others who might be interested in applying to Metta Mentors, please forward this information widely!

Contact us at mettamentors@mettacenter.org with questions or comments. Thank you!

Note: though we have secured enough funding to run the 2010 program at a bare-bones level, we are still seeking funding; the number of mentees that we can accept this year has yet to be determined as a result. For more information about donating to the program, see the Metta Mentors post on our home page.

It is an impossible task to write you about all the things I experience here, because I am simply too busy experiencing!

Now, the Fridays at Metta are always really interesting, but how to capture the last 4 weeks?! Last week we went to a ‘soup kitchen’ where poor people can get a meal for free. The people using this facility are immigrants, seniors, addicts, mentally sick people and veterans. Yes, veterans. We sat with one of them, who served in the Vietnam war. The other person next to us won the lottery and got addicted to drugs. We worked real hard and although most people appreciated that, but with some people you could see there difficult lives shining through. I really wanted to remember the talk we had in the morning, it was about affordable housing (1 bed with table for 600 dollar p/m!) and the stigmatization of poor people. How they are not treated with respect and this was therefore the key in interacting with the people. “You can make their day by just looking in their eyes and smiling!” said Fitz, who gave the introduction. “Something that seems trivial to us can mean a lot to another person.” I like to believe that! How will we not lose faith if we don’t believe that? We can’t assume that we are able as one single person to change the whole world big time. Maybe gradually and with help of lots of like minded people we can, but we should keep our goals attainable.

Anyway…. last Friday was a powerful day. We started off by imagining our perfect world. I was totally absorbed by my dream, no worries that this will never happen. I loovvee to dream! :-) Some people were worried by thoughts as ‘who am I to say what is a perfect world?’ or ‘this will never happen’, or ‘if the world would be perfect what would be my purpose in life?’ Well…. To answer I have: 1. My perfect world differs probably from yours, so in a perfect world everyone has their own surrounding that makes up their perfect world :-), 2. dream big and know what is within your possibilities, it is possible to change the world but not rapidly and not without the help of others, 3. My purpose would be to live in peace with others! As Pancho quoted “if we think the world is weak we want to help it, if we think the world is broken we want to fix it, if we see the world as whole we want to serve it.” So, let’s all serve! [my addition.]

Then Pancho gave us the most positive presentation ever! He started a PhD in astronomy and had a few messages for us, all explained by analogies to the universe. I’d like to share them: 1. always ask questions, nourish your curiosity; 2. remember your cosmic address: Berkeley, California, USA, America, Northern Hemisphere, Earth, solar system, Milky Way, universe; 3. discover what is your star, what makes you shine. To have more or to be more, that’s the question :-); 4. There is one Earth and humankind are its citizens (related to 2); 5. There is a revolution happening, the environmental revolution, or ‘the Great Turning’ 6. If you want to be a rebel, be kind (have respect for all human beings). He showed us this movie: http://www.theshiftmovie.com/ about the Great Turning. A women speaks about how we need 3 elements for change: Actions that slows down destructiveness, structures that differs from the ones we have, that educate us in a new way, and we need a shift in consciousness or values that is both scientific and spiritual. But all this makes more sense when you watch the movie.

Pancho also explained more on why we are at a turning point. Apparently people discovered planets that are twice as big as the Earth and have similar features, but gravity is twice as heavy for example.  What would the creatures that live there look like? Maybe we’ll never find out, the universe is so big! As Pancho told us, it would take us close to 100,000 years to reach the nearest star [Alpha Centauri] if we traveled with our more advanced space rockets that go 22 km in 2 seconds (or something close to this), while at the speed of light, 300,000 km/sec, it takes only 4 years! Can you imagine?

I stop here, because I have to leave to go to the farmers market, where we have a table with BayNVC (my organization), to spread NVC in this world :). (my personal view) ‘Officially’ we agreed that the goal is to provide info for people who want it, and offer listening and empathy for people who need that. We think there is a lack of listening in our society and want to fill the gap.

Hoping to have passed on a fragment of my inspiration!
Love, Nina

We had another fabulous Friday! We, the Metta mentees, went to the BART (metro) station in Oakland, equipped with candy, lemonade, quotes, a question spinning wheel, a huge smile poster, smile cards and table. It took a few minutes to get the good energy flowing, but when it did it gave us such a high! In just two hours I had some interesting chats and made people smile, by giving them short quotes. There were more thoughtful ones as ‘to open your mind is to open your heart’ and ‘be the change you want to see in the world,’ as well as more light ones such as ‘smile because you are amazing.’ Random people in the station were telling me that ‘nonviolence is compassion, while violence is fear.’ And we had thought that nonviolence was a bad word, because too many people would interpret it simply as ‘the absence of violence’! This answer made me thus very hopeful :-)!

Another men told me there was a paradigm shift. This is a growing awareness! We could already hear it in the wind for some time, wispering that we were slowly destroying our planet. Now the sea, rising with the melting ice, crashed down on us in a huge wave: the economy made such a downfall that we start wondering if our happines is in material things. Some of us can’t see this wave was not a normal one, not just an up and down in the economy. But it is. This man said nature always finds its balance. Now it tells us there is no balance, so we have to restore it. I see it the same way with violence. We are not even aware of how much violence we see around us! It is so normal for us, that we are lost in our own imbalance. And it is to the ones who did wake up to tell others. Right Audrey, Brandi, Candy Marie, Chris, Ketan, Leah, Matt, Michelle, Nick, Perla, Phoebe, Sachi, and Sadan?

The homeless people thought we should there be more often. “People need to smile!” said one of them. One man told us how one of the homeless got hit by a car and got a 1500 dollar medical bill. Everyone helped her gathering money and they paid the bill together! Apperently some people who have nothing, really understand the value of caring for each other…! Money creates an illusion of independence, but we can’t live without care, without companionship, without love, without SMILING!

After our smiling morning I did my workshop about ‘enemy images’, which is a sum of negative views you have about someone. The idea was to let people think not only about what needs of them were not met by this person’s behaviour (e.g. safety), it also made them think about what the other person needs (e.g. competence) and what needs were met by thinking negative about this person (e.g. peace of mind). We had a very nice discussion after describing these things and writing out a dialogue. I saw some insights coming up :-)! Some one asked me ‘But I don’t like it that it is also my fault now… Now I can’t just say she’s a mean person!’ ‘Because you understand why she act this way?’ ‘Yes.’

‘It is not your’fault’, you can still judge her behaviour as mean, but at least you know where she’s coming from now. And maybe she won’t change if you try to use NVC, but if you can change your attitude it’s a big change for you and how you experience it.’ I told her. It is of course not an easy task though, but we always have to try…

Matt Johnson, 2009 mentee with Fellowship of Reconciliation, wrote this blog post about the mentees’ service day at St. Anthony’s in San Francisco.

I have gotten in more than a few debates (sometimes internally, sometimes externally) over the question of charity versus justice. If you need a clear example of the issue, think of reparations for slavery or advocating for job creation instead of donating money. I don’t always use the two terms in opposition. I don’t really see them in opposition, and I don’t want to play a semantics game. I want to examine the importance of SERVICE – of what service really means and how it can be both just (righting a wrong) and charitable (giving something you can afford to give). Is the act of service volunteering at a soup kitchen every week? Is it smiling at a frown to induce it to turn upside down? Is it washing a poor man’s feet? Perhaps picking a stranger up off the ground?

I can’t create a formula for service. I have no interest in rating one type of service as better or worse than another. I don’t think utilitarian arguments or statistics involving effectiveness and productivity are what’s important because not everyone who wants to serve others has the time or inclination to measure “success” in that way. Some people say “it’s the thought that counts.” Sounds good. But what if it’s a bad thought? What if the man engaging in the service thought he might volunteer at a women’s shelter in order to impress his girlfriend? Clearly the intention is important.

Is the intention more important than the result? Rather than get into a philosophical debate, I would offer that if you make the intention simple enough, you need not worry about a negative result. The intention I’m suggesting is to strive to make a human connection with someone who is desperately in need of that connection. This connection will almost certainly benefit both parties. It could be a vagabond, a widow, an orphan, a friend, or even a family member. The connection can be made through any means of communication. It can be done consistently or occasionally. It does not have to involve a material transaction of any kind.

This is based on the belief that what people really need from other individuals (I exclude governments, churches, and large organizations from this designation) is love and kindness. I just met a man who works at a Franciscan charity in San Francisco who used the words “respect” and “dignity” to describe how he felt the guests should be treated by the volunteers. All these words are closely linked. Unfortunately many people are not shown enough love, kindness, or respect in their lives, least of all those who are most dependent on charity. Love and kindness are what sustain people in the long run. Giving people food, water, and shelter is, in the end, only helping them survive another few days – and most of us lack the resources to provide much in the way of food and shelter to anyone but ourselves and our immediate family.

But we do not lack the resources to bestow kindness on every stranger we happen to meet, whether in the midst of planned service or during our daily routine. We do not lack the resources to smile at them and laugh with them. We can show them the same respect we would want for ourselves at no cost. We can help them feel a sense of dignity by “listening them into existence,” as a good friend of mine likes to say, and we can do it without having to worry about them using our kindness to buy drugs instead of food.

As I wrote about earlier, I’m working on a project at BayNVC to have “Empathic Listening Posts” at public spaces, such as Farmers’ Markets. Yesterday at the market I had two memorable conversations… One with a man who had schizophrenia. Not having multiple personalities, but hearing voices. “Do you really want to listen to me?! I’m crazy!” he said.

“Why do you think you’re crazy?” I asked him, and he told me about his mental disorder. It was pretty weird to me how we had a kind of light conversation, just because he was mainly doing some small talk, not being able probably to really focus, and at the same time it was pretty serious what he told me about his schizophrenia. He heard voices that told him to kill himself. “But I take medicines. I’m getting by,” he said. “Are you a psychologist?” he asked me. “No, I’m just a person like you, and I just listen to what you’re telling me.”

“Are you my friend?” he then asked. I smiled an nodded. We high fived and laughed. “You’re a good listener,” he said. “Do you think people don’t really listen to each other?” I asked. “Some people do… I’m from New York. Some people there listen to me. I think you’ll like it there!” At the end I thought he wanted to embrace me, like everyone here does, but he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Well…we’re used to that in the Netherlands ;-) [for my am. friends: we kiss 3times as a greeting].

Then there was this woman who wanted to know if I thought that in the end we could change the world with nonviolent communication. Happy to get an opportunity to explain my view on how I see this, I started to explain it to her. But I found out later, that what she actually wanted to express was frustration with people in power exploiting others. She came from Cambodia, where “1% was exploiting the other 99%” as she put it. “Violence has worked: it has thrown down some ‘evil regimes’ and defeated ‘our enemy,’” she said. “Well, in NVC there are no enemies,” I said. She looked confused, I tried a second time later on, but it didn’t really sink in…

“I think you’re naive to believe in nonviolence,” she told me. That’s where I stopped debating with her. I got a little angry and remembered that I wasn’t there to debate with her, even though I disagreed with her big time! I was there to listen. It was hard for me to hear that according to her it took a lot of courage to kill a person. This was the ultimate sacrifice, in her eyes. I think nonviolence takes more courage. And I think people who kill another person are traumatized for the rest of their lives. I was able to empathize with her though, recognizing her frustration about people who are not caring and about feeling powerless in trying to contribute to people’s well being who are deprived from things we wish everyone would have.

I was happy to hear that she acknowledged that violence only worked in the short term. Her reasoning to still use it was that “we don’t have much time,” by which she meant that soon the earth will be so polluted that we’re not able to live on it any more. That can be true, we’re not sure, but I don’t really see that as a good reason to try to get our goals with violence now; violence will only bring about more violence. “Means are ends in the making” as Gandhi said. And it’s one of my favorite quotes!

Today I was reading in the ‘seven steps of nonviolence’ from Michael Nagler, and it explained it even better: “Nonviolence sometimes achieves the success that was immediately aimed at, just as violence sometimes does; on the other hand, nonviolence always does what violence can never do: it brings into play forces that will bring about, sometimes invisibly, a better situation for all concerned. In the end, nonviolent means always bring about nonviolent ends.”

When this women walked away she had, according to another BayNVC volunteer, a brighter look in her eyes. I hope it was not only because she had been listened to, but also because she met someone who was positive about the faith of our world. “Maybe you planted a little seed. That’s all you can do,” as my friend Brandi said. That’s what I hope for. I did give her my ideas on how we can change and explained how we all act from our needs, which are all beautiful needs, and they can all be met if we use effective (and not destructive) strategies to get them met. We have to truly trust that’s so, and we can trust that when we see we’re all interdependent and that total independence is an illusion…!

Brandi is working with American Friends Service Committee in Oakland this summer, on a restorative justice project. Recently she had the opportunity to attend a public hearing on new death penalty procedures in Sacremento. These are her reflections:

On June 29th, I learned that California still has the death penalty even though no one has been executed since 2005. On June 30th I was at the public hearing in Sacramento where the public was to comment on the new lethal injection procedures developed by the California’s Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation so that executions could begin again. Over 100 people spoke. Everyone was given 3 minutes to respond to the new procedures and the entire process lasted eight hours with an hour break at noon for lunch.

It was an emotional day. Only two speakers came to support the new procedures. They came together and spoke back to back. Their message was one of a vengeful justice that asserted opponents of capital punishment had “misplaced compassion.” Those compassionate souls spoke for the next 8 hours.
Teachers spoke against the death penalty asking for money for education not execution, stating that $1 billon could be saved over 5 years if the state executions were done with. Doctors, future doctors, and nurses spoke against the death penalty stating that it was their duty to protect and sustain life. Students, spiritual leaders, and everyday citizens spoke out against the death penalty and spoke for dignity. Families of prisoners on death row spoke against the death penalty. Families of victims killed by prisoners on death row spoke against the death penalty. Former prisoners on death row, who had been found innocent, spoke against the death penalty.

The new procedures were the only things meant to be discussed—the technicalities. The appropriateness or morality of the death penalty itself, was not on the table, and the facilitators reminded the witnesses in the room of this once or twice an hour. For many stepping up to the podium, this was impossible. How were they to talk about a procedure that leads to the legal murder of another human being without mentioning the end product?

Some people were able to step up to the podium and focus on the problems with the procedures alone. They often stated, “I am against the death penalty, but because this hearing is meant to discuss these new procedures, I will simply state my problems with these.” They believed that in order to be taken seriously they had to play by the rules set before them. They only talk about the procedures themselves, and hoped that if they showed the human rights violations within them alone—the dignity that was being stripped of not only the prisoners, but their families and the staff members to be carrying out these new procedures—that maybe a seed of humanity and understanding would be planted.

There were plenty of things in the new procedures to be concerned with. Prisoners on death row were not able to meet with personal spiritual counselors in private. They were only allowed to meet with State appointed chaplains who were required to record descriptions of all communications with the prisoner. Spiritual counselors were not able to hold the hand of prisoners while they were being killed. They were not even allowed to be in the same room. There was no maximum number of victim’s family members who could be present at the execution. If there wasn’t enough room a closed circuit television was provided in another location, and each family member was to be provided with psychological counsel after the event. Family members of those being executed were limited to five. There was no psychological counsel provided, and they were escorted on and off of the property as if they were criminals themselves. Those carrying out the state mandated killings were poorly supported in the new procedures, acting as if a person would not be affected by killing another human being as long as they were paid.

“There is no protection of dignity here. When dignity is taken away long enough, we lose our humanity, we lose our life. These procedures are not taking away just one human life, but parts of every human life that is involved in the process.”

On June 29th, I was a shocked New Yorker who has always seen California as the leader in common sense, compassion, and social innovation. On June 30th, I felt a little out of place, stuck in the mindset of a community developer, where the citizens—the voters—should always be given a voice. Did I have a right to even be here? Then a Swedish women walked up to the podium and told the witnesses in the room that Sweden was watching California, waiting for them to join their country in universal abolition of the death penalty, believing as I did that California had a history of inspiring, challenging and changing the country. It was then that I saw myself became a citizen of the state of California, not because I had bought a house here or spent $28 dollars on a California license, but because my heart was instantly connected to its citizens, as I realized that my humanity, the country’s humanity, and the world’s humanity lay in its hands. I realized that even if I am not a legal citizen of this state, it is still part of my home. It is a part of this country and part of this world, and the decisions that are made here are a reflection of the voices that are speaking the loudest.

Fear usually causes people to scream. Love can cause people to sing, but we have to sing louder and in one unified voice without worrying if we have the right.

Sometimes it is good to stick to the rules, like those at the hearing who only spoke about the procedures. It may be the only way to be heard. Sometimes it is good to push past the boundaries, like the women from Sweden who spoke at a California State hearing. It may be the only way to be heard. Most of the time, it’s more powerful to do a little of both. People are always listening to conversations at various frequencies, and as messengers of human rights, dignity and love, it is our jobs to tap into all of those frequencies. And it is our job to unite.